.png)
There's no half-in and half-out with authenticity.
It was a winter night in February in Puerto Rico a few years ago. Warm, with a breeze and a moist smell of salt in the air. I sat anchored into the sand, a weight moving through my body pulling me into the earth, my head bowed towards the fire gazing into its infinite ray of colors spanning from Orange to blue, flicking into shapes revealing its spirit in form.
I began witnessing myself in different moments of my current life. I saw myself partying with friends perceiving myself in the behavior that would be opposite of what I had learned was right for me in ceremonies before, I witnessed myself so deep in process one second, and with extreme contrast enjoying the materialistic lifestyle that was rooted in seeking validation the next second. Tears rolled down my face, and the sound of the ocean became the taste in my mouth as the wind blew. I felt this clear message I was half-assing my work.
I immediately started bawling... At that moment, I heard the medicine man, a dear friend of 20 years, whisper to me, “Amalia, you good?” I looked up at him with tears rolling down my face and said “I've been half in and half out, It’s not working and I've been lying to myself, I have to let it all go."
I went on to have one of the most challenging processes with Hape’ I have ever had. I purged from the depth of my soul the fear of not being accepted, the fear of not being understood, the fear of losing everyone I loved who was not doing the work to the level I was.
As I watched the sunrise, the sky took on colors of pinkish-orange blue and periwinkle with hints of peach rose, I sat with what that meant for me. What would I have to let go of to be all in, and what would ‘all in’ look like for me?
The next day, after a lot of rest, I sat at my altar in my Rising Ritual practice and connected to my body. I asked my higher self to show me the areas of my life aligned with external validation that were keeping me “safe” and what areas were lighting up my soul, and passions without the need for that validation. My body responded in my breathwork practice.
I realized half in and half out was an inauthentic way of “staying safe” from my deepest wound of rejection. It didn’t mean I needed to abandon any connection to the material world, but it did mean I needed to say goodbye to behaviors that didn’t make me feel good to stay “normal”.
That meant I was no longer going to binge drink on friend and family vacations (this was more about me than them), and I was no longer going to accept friendships that didn’t see the real me and value those aspects of myself that were different. I was no longer going to try to “save” people to prove my worth or accept less than what I know I deserve from myself.
I needed to commit to my true values. Health, honesty, freedom, a grounded nervous system, and a deeper devotion to my study. I felt bad about saying goodbye to that version of myself that wanted to make everyone else comfortable ( my perception), but I also felt so much lighter, and that was worth it to me. That heavy weight in my body was gone.
This was a process of micro-decisions made daily with vocalizing boundaries, saying more no’s than yes’, and being radically honest with myself. I had to integrate this through those decisions as it would notify my nervous system that I was safe. I had to do daily check-ins with my inner child when I felt triggered, and let her feel all that she was feeling. I also did have to let some people go, but that made space for the strongest friendships to rise.
This devotion to my practice continues to bring my subconscious patterns to my awareness and then I do the work -the tools + integration = different choices.
That was my work- people-pleasing is a fear of rejection. I couldn’t play it safe anymore so I bet on myself, dissolved another layer of inauthenticity, and reclaimed the self-love that my inner child needed to be her true self.
If you want to learn how to do the work, this is what I teach. After many years of focusing on primarily 1:1 guidance and retreat immersion, I am opening my container to a group.
I am sharing my Signature program called ‘Connecting Within’ to give you a baseline for attuning to your inner voice, learning how to trust it, building a relationship with your inner child, learning the stories that are living in the emotions, and rewiring them.
This is taught through a series of practices, workshops, and activations. We will then Immerse into nature and I will teach you how to weave these tools with the elements of fire, earth, air, and water as allies. After the retreat, we will then begin the integration program called ‘The Alignment Blueprint’. This will support your process of integrating what you learn with alignment.
If you are interested in learning this method and joining us on this journey, please add yourself to the list below and you will receive an invitation.
If you want to try my signature practice, Rising Ritual, the practice that reveals it all, you can click the link below also.
With all my love,
Amalia
IG: @heartbyamalia
Komentarze